new year new tricks

“uusi vuosi uudet kujeet”

anyway.. it sure is 2024 now! almost a week in the new year and things are… happening.

cw: suicidal thoughts

my mom has been planning on moving closer to my grandparents, who live in another city, for a while now. and.. well, she finally found an apartment and is going to move in couple of months.

just in time for my birthday!

and boy do i have some feelings about it. i… feel so lonely and lost, thinking about my mom not living close to me. like, she lives a block away from me. i can walk over in 2 minutes. we go walk our dogs daily together, i often just go hang out at her place. we often have dinner together. we go to shop together, or for each other. topias is at her place every week when i go to therapy. she’s also like.. the only face-to-face human interaction i have most of the time.

and she’s.. gonna leave.

i’m realizing, as i’m typing this, that i don’t think i’ve ever really.. lived Alone. there’s always been “safety” nearby. someone i can run to for help. someone who will take care of me if i need it.

and in couple of months, i won’t have anyone.

i will literally live alone here. i won’t see anyone except my therapist.

 

 

 

honestly, thinking about makes me… sad, but also. tired. no, exhausted. exhausted with the world. exhausted with living. exhausted with trying to keep up with anything, anyone.

i wanna make jokes like LOL XD IS NOTHING EASY

but i.. truly feel so worn out..

i wish there was an option for me to just..

not exist.

i feel.. so ill equipped to handle anything that the world throws at me. i was feeling positive about the new year.. but now?
well ok, actually. i wasn’t feeling positive, i was trying to feel positive. fake it till you make it. make it real by saying it enough times. i feel positive! i feel positive! i feel positive!

but it doesn’t work for long.

i don’t really know what to do. i don’t have to decide what to do now, anyway. but.. god it’s exhausting to.. be exhausted and then deal with these exhausting thoughts and feelings on top of it.

 

well. can’t do anything but keep at it.

happy new year to anyone stupid enough to read all this gfhdjdshfj

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