sukka blog

oh my GOD my brain just refuses to concentrate on anything today

i just keep getting distracted (EVEN TYPING THIS IS JUST ME BEING DISTRACTED FROM THe shit that i SHOULD be doing)

please brain work with meeeeeeeeeee

wellp.. a lot has happened.

i moved to live closer to apri, and that part of my life has been wonderful. I love living close to her, I love being able to like.. go over. Have her come over. Eat a meal together, watch something together, just exist in the same space. Take walks together. Talk.

the move was exhausting, and I don’t think I’ve recovered fully from it. Everything was kinda thrown out of whack due to it. Struggling with managing my stress and MIs and everything.. Still haven’t unpacked everything. Some of my furniture is still just somewhere because I’ve been too tired to organize, to put things in their places. (like.. my bookshelf is facing the wall.)

i always knew that moving would never cure me, but i guess a part of me did hope i would magically just.. not feel so shit? or like.. just.. be better. but while i do feel better in some aspects, some other aspects have stayed the same. or, due to stress, worse. eating is so difficult. idk why eating is so goddamn difficult.

but.. here we are. me and topias. trying to get used to our new living situation. he has a lot of fun sniffing new places!

i do miss my family, but also hearing of all the drama and being unable to like.. physically go help them is kind of a relief. i do want to help them. god i want to help them. but i can’t, so having this distance as an excuse as to why i’m not helping is a relief.

i hope things will look up soon
🌞

Man I wish I knew what “stable” felt like. what does it feel like to.. know what to expect from a day? I can never really tell if I’m gonna have a good or a bad day, or if I’m gonna have energy to feed myself, or if I’m gonna be hungry all day before starvation kicks in and I get the primal motivation to eat something. I never know if I’ll suddenly get a burst of energy and do like 5 days worth of things I’ve been putting off. or if I’ll do one thing, get too exhausted to stay awake and take a nap that ruins my whole schedule. who knows!!! every day is a roll of a very shit die.

that aside, things have been bad! though I think they’re like.. leading towards Better at the moment (especially because I talked with apri, and a friend, and felt less alone due to that)

Also managed to clean my kitchen today!!! I’ve been avoiding going there, so also avoiding eating for days because I didn’t wanna see the mess. But now it’s clean. wooooo…

I’m always annoyed I have nothing positive to write here but I guess that’s life lmfaooo

Gotta keep trying. Gotta keep trying. Gotta keep at it.

IT ALL KEEPS TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN

so I spoke out against patreon’s tightening rules on adult content, and also expressed my dislike of payment providers having any say in what people spend their money on. and like, a couple of hours after making those tweets, i got suspended on twitter.

i dunno if it’s coincidence, but godDAMN. what else could it be?? i suppose it could be some assholes mass reporting me.. but it feels weirdly timed, considering i haven’t posted or talked about anything too ~problematic~ as of late. i dunno.

anyway i am flipping between fucking livid and exhausted and sad. as usual. lmfao.

DEEP SIGH